December 26, 1999
What I will try to explain about myself may disappoint you, but I have a totally different drive shaping my choices in life than you thought I have and different reasons for questioning life at times.
There is a Zen saying which I feel for; it says: “I want courage to be able to change the changeable, patience to be able to accept the unchangeable; but most important of all, I want the wisdom to be able to distinguish between the two.” I have faced enough occasions where I needed to try out my courage and my patience, so I know I can cope quite well in either account. At this point in my life, what I am in search of is the ‘wisdom’ in my choices. I don’t want to fabricate challenges anymore (or ever), as I feel I don’t need to prove anything to myself or anybody around.
Challenges, like all the other things we have to go through in life, are just toys to entertain us (even with the problems that come along the way) and to take our minds off the reality surrounding us all.
The ‘mind’, we value so much, deals with pieces, its sole function is to divide and analyse. It has to create problems in order to have the challenge to solve them, but often it is not even conscious of what it is doing. It is like a child who jumps from one thing to another, and is never satisfied! I don’t want to waste any more time with pieces, I want the ‘big’ picture! Yes, if we are talking about challenges, you can’t say this is a modest challenge!
Think of a puzzle board. You can forever study one, two or more individual pieces, but it won’t get you very far. Instead, if you have some concept of the interconnections and keep the whole picture in mind, you have a better chance of putting the pieces together. Yes, I want to ‘feel’ the world, it is the heart that synthesises all, not the intellect.
I now know, I don’t know anything if I don’t know who or what I ‘am’, beyond all the masks I wear and all the roles I play in various social contexts. I am leading an inner journey, the journey towards ‘me’. The scenery around me is there only to help or hinder me in my journey, but I don’t associate myself with the scenery all that much any more. Events come, events go — what I am interested is to cleanse myself off all the after effects, all the grind and muck they leave behind.
Overall, I am happy with the scenery around and I count myself very lucky. So, what am I seekng? What I am seeking is ‘real’ me –the ‘real’ prize at the end of thıs painstaking inner journey is ‘me’!
I hope what I was trying to explain makes some sense to you. Feelings are so subtle and so elusive that it is almost impossible to convey the real meaning with words.
Stay with love…