Letter #9

Thurs. 16 Sept. 1999

Dearest,

I feel I know exactly how it hurts to have “love” blocked and trapped inside you with its endless potential and you don’t have that special recipient… Nothing and nobody would do, and you simply feel cramped and paralysed at emotional level. The whole world and the beauty of it will not fill the emptiness of his/her absence…

Please don’t take this as a cruel statement, but the pain grows and grows, as long as we allow it to… We find it unbearable all along, but, in fact, the point it becomes truly unbearable is the point that signals an imminent recovery. When we can’t stand the pain anymore, we make a conscious decision of refusing to suffer one more second… and it works!…

The real problem is that we don’t want to let go of the pain, as it means to us letting go of so many hopes, dreams and expectations buried deeply in our emotional bodies. So, letting go of the pain involves patching all these “holes” in our emotional bodies, which, in itself, is a very painful process. One shouldn’t wonder why at the end of a love relationship, people, often and right away, find themselves in another affair! But, sadly, unless we cure our own wounds, nobody on earth can do it for us…

I might have told you that I found it easier to tolerate the emotions that came along with my father’s death than his illness… During his illness, there was the hope of him recovering and the thought of “losing” him was too difficult to bear… But when he died, a sense of finality took over… There wasn’t anything I could do to change things any more… Of course, even at that point, it was possible to extend the suffering by questioning why and how it happened, what were the mistakes along the way, and so on… But with the acceptance of all that happened, came the peace at heart…

Is it not similar to what happens in a relationship? When you feel there is an “illness” harming you both, you try your best to heal it, that is, if you want the relationship to continue… But when all your efforts fail and you two part, and when you realise deep inside that it is over for good, you should (and you can! ) leave all the questioning behind, stop inquiring into the causes and totally refuse searching for faults. But, what is MOST important is not to allow any feelings of remorse or regret to get a hold of you — there is nothing more harmful that the anger directed towards self…

On the surface, there are always some “apparent” reasons to cause a separation and often they look so trivial and so silly that you can’t stop cursing why things turned out this way… What you don’t seem to realise is that they are only catalysts to start or to speed up the inevitable outcome…

Why do two people come together… ? Two people form a bond when they have a mutual role to play in the spiritual development of one another, under the condition that each does not forget his/her own life story, or “karma”…

When is the separation inevitable… ? When there is nothing more each can teach/learn to/from the other and/or when one or both fail(s) to detach individual karmas… What I believe is that often people part due to the second reason; that is, they get too much involved with each other and with the “goods” and “bads” of the relationship itself, that each stops pursuing his/her own soul’s urge…

Whether we like it or not, “life lives us”… In the end we live whatever we are meant to, and all we have to do is ACCEPT and enjoy what life offers — minus, what we feel we are missing…

There is so much more I want to say, but I think I should not continue any further, as I know so well that all an aching heart wants to hear is the consolation that the loved one will be back and nothing more — never the crowd of words…

Please keep the faith that ALL would be fine…